Disappointed!

I did not have what some may call a happy childhood.  My brother was in and out of trouble as far back I can remember. I recall the many times the police was at the house because he and my dad got into fights. I remember the shouting in the house between my mother, my father, and my brother.  I used to hide in my closet or run down the  street to my best friend's house to avoid the shouting, the door slamming, and name calling that was going on.  I was embarrassed to leave the house because it seems everyone knew was went on at home. I kept my head down and avoided eye contact with anyone because I was afraid to let my pain show through.

  I learned to be independent at a young age.  I never asked for anything I knew my parents couldn't afford or asked for things that I know I didn't need.

I would take my lunch money, save it for what I needed, and didn't eat anything until I got home afterschool.  I never asked for help with my homework and if I did have any trouble with it, I waited til the next day and got to that class early to get the help I needed.  

     When it came time to get my High School ring, my parents told me if I wanted to get one, I had to get a job to pay for it. So, my Junior year of high school I got a part time job.  I would come home from school around 3pm, drop my books off in my room, change for work, run across Independence Blvd dodging traffic, waited tables til 11pm, run back across Independence  Blvd, stay up til 1 am doing my homework, and go to bed to start a new day of the same routine.  All of the money I earned went to my ring.  When I finally got done paying for it, it was truly mine! 

After I was married and we started our family, my husband and I never once asked a whole lot from our families. When things got tight financially, we never asked for help. We barely asked my parents to watch the boys and when we did the few times we asked, we always rushed to pick them up so we didn't over stay their welcome. When my husband was underway and I was in school, I tried not to ask for too help because the boys were my responsibility and no one else's.

Yesterday, mother tells me she was dissappointed that I was too independent growing up and didn't ask a lot from either of them. That hurt.

I thought it was a good thing to be independent.  I always thought it was how you grew up and learned to be your own person.

I guess you can't make everyone happy.

A Year of Highs and Lows......

It has been a little over a year since i last posted.  Please bear in mind that memory is a bit on the rusty side....

     Well, I was going to the OB/GYN about female issues I was having.  I had told him everything going on with me and how miserable i was feeling.  After 2 ultrasounds and the doctor listened to the problems i was having and my fear of having a hysterectomy, he explained their was a new technique out that would make everything i was going through a whole lot better.  It is Called ThermaChoice and it is a Uterine Ablation.  A miracle!!!!  He explained how the procedure is done, the risks, and the recovery time.  Let's just say it was well worth it, compared to a hysterectomy.  Less recovery time and a lot less risks.  He started a battery of blood tests and got me scheduled in for my procedure. I did all the research i could on this procedure and saw a lot of positive feedback from other women who had it..  I had made the right choice.... 

        So, on August 26, hubby and I got to Albemarle Hospital around 7 a.m. for my procedure.  I was scared!  I hate being under anesthesia.  Plus, i was hungry and itching for the cup of coffee my husband was drinking in front of me.  I just wanted to smack it out of his hand and say "IF I CAN'T HAVE ANY, NEITHER CAN YOU.!!!!", but i didn't..   I was going to nice and suffer in silence.. LOL!!!!   After doing my paperwork and getting me into the outpatient area.   I felt even more uneasy.   I got into the wonderful hospital attire(open-back gown, socks, and scrub cap).   I was feeling real sexy.  NOT!  Then they started my I.V. and it hurt.  I guess years of being jabbed with a needle doesn't help at all.  Then, the waiting began.  A nurse came  20 minutes later and administered a pregnancy test and a drug test.  They both were negative. Well Duh!!!    I could have told her that.  Then waited some more..    As I was wheeled into the O.R., a shiver ran down my spine and all the "what ifs" started to go through my mind,but I pushed them aside as they were putting me under.  When I woke up in recovery, I was starving and in so much pain.  They gave me a soda to bring up my sugar levels up because I was feeling light-headed and  groggy.  About a half hour later, i was taken back in an outpatient room to get dressed and go home.   Before I was released to go home, they gave a Vicodin.  I took it, but i didn't like the way i felt afterwards.  The "groggy" feeling.  The upset stomach that came after the affects of the medicine wore off.  Well, apparently they gave my husband a prescription to get me more in case i was in any pain.  I only had one out of the bottle and flushed the rest down the toilet.  I never wanted one of those horrible things ever again.  It was Aleve after that one!!!!   Now a year later, I am having shorter and lighter days!!!  If I could, I'd recommend this procedure to anyone else with the same problem.!!!!

                So in October-November, Hubby waited for word from GD, about the job he applied and was hired for..  We had wait on the HR Department to get back to him about salary offer.  Luckily, during this time he was employed in the same building  with Q.E.D. while we waited.  Finally, he got it.  He started at a new company with great pay and some overtime.  Things were finally looking up and promising.  The only thing that hard was the stress that came with this new job.  The early days and the occasional half Saturday that he had to work.  Then, came the Government Sequestration.  Around February, the tension in the house was thick as fog.  Then in March, he came home with a letter informing the employees of possible layoffs starting in June-July time.  He started going through the jobs ads again.  We saved what we could.  Pinched pennies and cut corners as much as we could.  Then, two weeks later another letter went out saying to disregard the last letter that was sent out.  We dodged a bullet then... 

 At least that's what we thought....
 
       On May 24th (on my birthday), i got a phone call from the school to inform me that Munchkin had caught with an illegal substance.   I could not believe it.  I got in my JEEP and put the the peddle to the metal.  I was RED with anger and disappointment.  I have always taught my boys right from wrong, but I know there is temptation everywhere.  I called his father to let him know what was going on.  I could hear the disbelief in his voice.  When i got the school, i was determined to keep my wits about me, but then the memory of my brother's past came to mind.  I started to cry and as i was walking up the stairs with the Asst. Principle, I wondered, "where did i fail as a parent?"When we got to her office, there he was sitting in a chair directly in front of her desk crying.  He knew what did was wrong..  She explained everything in detail....   That he'd bought from one of the boys in his A.F.J.R.O.T.C  class and the Resource Officer caught wind of what went down..  Apparently, he was one of 5 students that had bought from the boy.  I finally looked him in eyes and asked,"WHY?"  He wanted to fit in.  I told him that is not how you fit in.  You be yourself and not as others want you to be.  He confessed that the boy had pressured him into buying and wouldn't leave him alone about it..  He took the money for it out of his bank in our room and bought.  I ask him, why he didn't tell someone he was trying to sell it to you.  He was afraid.  He did confess who sold to him and he didn't possess a lighter. so there was wasn't evidence he was going to use it.  He was suspended the last two weeks of school.  He was able to return to school  for his final exams.  When we got home, he gave me his Kindle, his handheld gaming console, and deleted his profile on the computer.  He sat in his room crying and reflecting on what he did.  After I calmed down, I went to him and held him.  I wept with him.  Eventually, hubby came home, went to the boys' room ,and talked to him about what happened.  He emerged an hour later and said, "there was no need to punish him any further because he was punishing himself over this."  We told him that we still loved him and hopefully he'll think about his actions next time.  So, after he finished is exams, we had a meeting at the School Board to find out whether he could return to school the following school year.  After we answered all the questions from the Head of the Board, his Asst Principle read a statement from herself and the Principle of the High School.  Stating "he did turn over the of the individual selling the pot and that he was forthcoming with any information pertaining to the situation" and she also read statements from his teachers, stating how well behaved he is in their classes and well mannered he is.  We waited to hear the decision.  It seemed like a month.  Finally, they came in a week later.  He was only suspended the first 8 days of school.  Next, was to hear from the Juvenile Court for what seemed like an eternity.  The court councilor recommeneded since he was a minor and no other infractions, he drew up angreement of sorts.  If he mantains a "B" in all his classes, doesn't possess and buy illegal substances, does not get any "ISS's" or ''OSS's", and attends Project Uplift til December, he will not be put on probation.   We do get a call from them once a month to see how he is doing.  I think he has learned a very hard lesson..!!!!!  

Hubby lost his position he has hired for because his boss felt he wasn't doing his job up to par. What a bunch of poo! It was just his boss wanted things done his way and bypass new protocols, procedures, and guidelines. There was a silverlining though, his was moved to the planning department with his pay not changing  any!  At least he still has his job.  

So, there it is. The roller coaster called "my life" this year!

 

 



 

 

                                                                       

Not So Great Month

This has been a really crappy month.  Around June 30th my period started, 13 days late.  I was nervous as heck.  I even got a box of 3 pregnancy tests for the price of 1.  Of course, they were ALL negative.  I was never so relieved, but i was never so disappointed.  I guess in some way i was hoping for a positive result.  Deep down I have wanted another child for a long time, but now that the boys are at the age they are now, there is too much of an age gap for another now.  


   Anyway, I started my period, thankfully but it lasted two weeks. Two miserable weeks.  I got worried.  I have never missed my period for that long, except when i was pregnant, and i have never had one for two weeks. I made a doctor's appointment.


 Then, on the Monday I was to have lunch with my good friends, our 15yr old dog Lizzie pasted away.  I was going to take her in and discuss our options with the Vet that Wednesday.  I held her in my arms til she took her last breath.  The worst part, all I could think about was how upset the boys were.  Especially, knucklehead!  My very sensitive boy took it so hard.  It took everything in my power to help him through it.

We did leave to go to the mountains of VA to see family and had a great time.  Food, laughs, and togetherness. 

Monday morning, I started my period again.  So, when i went to the doctor on Tuesday, i was cramping so bad that i was doubling over and the doctor was wanting to give me painkillers for relief, but i said "NO".  I chose to stay with Aleve. She schedule an ultrasound to see if I have Fibroids in my uterus  and if so, I will have to see a OB/GYN for further help.  Now, since I was told about the ultrasound, I have been so nervous and scared as heck.  I am scared of what they might find.  I am scared I will need a hysterectomy.  I can't be laid up from surgery.  I have two teenagers and a house to care for.  I don't need this right now.. 
 

Job Wanted

         I have been a mother to two boys since the day they were born..   Yes, I went to culinary school, but was never able to finish and get my degree, because my husband had to take orders in another state.  I had no choice, but to move to keep my family together..  
  When we all moved to New Jersey, i tried to juggle work, the boys, and the house, but no one there understood my situation with hubby's work schedule because of his working nights 2 days one week and 3 the next and verse versa...  

  My first job was okay.  The really big issue was that i had 5 bosses and each had their idea of how they wanted me to make a Greek or dinner salad..  So, I found somewhere else to go that paid more and was hopefully a bit more of a relaxed atmosphere..  HA!!!  

  My second job was really stressful.  It was a country club and the kitchen was hotter the Hades.  The reach-ins, the freezers, and the supplies were kept downstairs.  The chef kept going on and on about the fact that i went to school to learn.  All I ever heard from him is how he learned through experience and how learning in school was a waste of time and money.   Great!  The stress levels tripled during big parties, i came home sweating so much, my shirts every night clung to me, and when i would pick the boys up from the sitter, she demanded more money.  Okay, #1. She had to watch them 2 times one week and 3 the next #2 She was getting paid $175 every 2 weeks..  HELLO!!!!! That was half to 3/4 of my paycheck...  The real kicker, my boss asked to speak to me one day.  He asked me if i could work more hours.  I told him I could not because i could afford to pay more to the sitter and with my hubby hours it was impossible..  He actually asked if mu hubby could shorten his hours so i could work more..  I laughed so hard and said to him,"Actually you will have to call his boss in the big white house on Pennsylvania Ave in D.c. and see how the will go from there."  Apparently, that didn't go well with him, I got fired right there and then.  It killed me.  All my hard work down the drain after 2 months.

My third job went the same way.  I worked at MACY'S and was a couple of great months, but it was the same issue.  Child Care and the hours.. 

My fourth job was one i really loved..  I worked as kennel attendant.  We walked the dogs, cleaned the cages, and helped the vets and the vet assist with whatever they needed.  I loved seeing all types of dog, cats, and wildlife coming in and out of there.  There was one dog that sticks in my mind.  Caramia..  She was a Doberman Pinscher who lose use of her back legs, but could more faster than i ever thought a dog with her disability ever could.  The sad part was, her owners constantly left her in the kennel, months at a time..  Why own a pet if you aren't going to care for it..  The owner of the place, called them and threatened legal action if they didn't stop leaving her there..  A few weeks later, her owner brought her in for a check-up and she had a doggie wheel chair and was a lot happier.  Of course, i was fired because they felt there was an issue with the techs and apparently they didn't like me and it made them uncomfortable for me to even be there.  Actually, it was more like, when they weren't around and i had to hold animals for the vet and they'd get in to trouble for it and they had to blame some one other than themselves..  I loved that job..  

My fifth and final job was working on base at a cafe/bar/entertainment for the sailors and civilian contractors.  I made food most of the time and hubby would pop in from time to time to say "Hi".  I moved to bartending a few nights.  I loved it..  The tips were great and i got to meet a lot of people.  It was short lived because of something that happened when hubby tried to help a girl out and it blew up in his face.  He got put on 45 days extra duty and everyone was told to not to speak to him..  The guys that supported him would stop in to see if hubby was doing ok..  One of his good friends broke a few fingers because he was so upset with the way the other guys were treating him.  The final straw was when the girl showed up to my work and told me she was so sorry she got my husband in trouble and she came by the apartment to tell me she had to to sign the confession, even  if it was a complete lie..  I wanted to jump her and beat the snot out of her, but all i could do was slam the door in her face and cry.

  I never returned to work after that.  We moved to VA.  I tried to work then too, but the daycare provider lost her license.  So, i didn't work again.  It made no sense to work just to pay for babysitters.

 I have enjoyed being here at home for the boys.  Getting them up and off to school, being home when they get off the school bus, asking them how there day was, and helping them with their homework. But now, that hubby is out of the NAVY and boys are old enough to care for themselves, i want to work. I need to work.  I have put out applications, but i can't list any of my past employment, because i haven't worked in so long.  It does no good to list it.. 10 years too long!!!  I almost had one, but they didn't call me back...

Just a big "L" on my forehead.  For it is how i am feeling right now.. I am not only letting myself down, but my family, also..    

What is Up with me lately???

I think I am either suffering from ADD or ADHD..  Every time I am working on a project, my mind wonders off to something totally different.  I could be filling out paperwork  and my mind wanders off  to what i need to accomplish the next day..  It seems like it is a never ending cycle that will never end..

Like today, I was walking through "Wally World" , knowing what i needed to for dinner and get a few things to tie us over til i go to the commissary on Tuesday, but then my mind starting to wonder off to things coming up  this month, like chaperoning  Munchkin's 8th grade band class to ECSU  for a concert there and getting the boys in gear for their Bike-A-Thon for Boy Scouts by getting them out to get sponsors and checking to see what on their bikes need be worked on.  Stupid me, nearly runs over a little old with my shopping cart..

There are times i catch myself in the middle of cooking and an idea for my jewelry making pops in my head and i rush for a pen and paper to write down the materials i am going to need for it... When I am beading, i find myself thinking about a recipe i have and ways i can either change it up or even tweaking it so that tastes or has a different appearance the next time i make it... 

I need to get a grip of this issue before i end up in an "I Love Me" jacket, in a padded room, waiting for the nurse to bring me my daily meds through a small widow in the door........

Life has become more and more complicated since hubby retired and I have lost more of my responsibilities.  I was juggling all the balls of the house and the kids, but since he has been home more and he has taken some of my "juggling" balls, I feel more distracted than ever...  I feel like i have lost control of some things and it bothers me a bit...  My sense of security has dropped some and that what i felt like defined who i was..  Mom, who is always there when Dad can't be.  Mom, who is there to fix something that has broken when Dad isn't there to fix it.  Mom, who is  Problem solver and Better mood maker when Dad isn't there to do it....   I have been Mom and Dad for so long it is like second nature.  I feel like someone has amputated a vital limb and said " it's gone, so get use to it."  




I Hate That Feeling!!!!!! 

Emotionally Drained.....

Right now at this moment, I am emotionally spent. With everything that has gone on the past couple of weeks. From not being able to go to Germany as a family, to picking my children's feeling over my husband's, and my aunt treating me like crap after I received one small piece of furniture from my Grandmother's house, and the kids acting like little butts at school.. I just feel right now i should go crawl into bed and say "Screw it all", and stay there till Brian comes home, but i know i have responsibilities. I know I have 2 teenagers eating me out of house and home, a house to clean and keep up with, bills to pay, and trying to get things back on track with Hubby. Maybe sometime after he gets home and settled, i will go to Portsmouth Naval and check myself in for a psych evaluation. LOL... A little Shock therapy could do me some good right now.....

My Life in motion....

I haven't written in a while. So, please bear with me. After hubby got home after doing a 4 month deployment, everything seemed to be getting back to normal.. Kids adjust to dad's return, hubby home every night for dinner, packing his lunch every morning as I get the boys ready for school. After the boys got out of school for the summer, we all went to MI to visit his family for a week. After that, it was back to work for him and for me, my days filled with screaming teenage boys and them whining "I'm bored". Then came news that hubby was going to deploy again for possibly 10 months.. Great!!! We went to visit my family in the Shenandoah Valley for our annual "Family Reunion". Had a blast, but what lingered about my head was " He might not be home for this next year". As the boys were getting ready for a new year for school, word came. Hubby was given the news that he deploys for Germany for 6 months. Plus, he will be retiring at the end of July 2011. YES!!!!! A light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway, as my husband departed for his deployment, everything was going ok. The usual things went on, boys getting in trouble at school, them fighting like cats and dogs wit each other, and me losing my mind with the usual stuff. Hubby got a netbook before he left, downloaded Skype, and that is how we are communicating everyday he is gone. Thank God for technology or our phone card bills would be outrageous. Then around the end of September a plan was cooked up by hubs. He had the idea for me and the boys to come and see him in Germany. YES!!!!!! Finally, my chance to travel outside the USA and see a country where hubby has been. So, I got all the paperwork for the for mine and the boy's passports. By the end of the middle of November, we had official passports. Everything was coming together. Found out we were going to travel with the guys going over there. MAC flight. FREE!!!!!!!! Got the paperwork from his command to allow us to travel without hubs. Everything was going smoothly. When the time was closing on the departure date, I had everything ready, Suitcases packed, backpacks packed, and kids excited. So, the day of the flight, got the worst news ever. NO GO!!!!! It seems the Air Force fucked things up and the flight was postponed. Crap. Ok, another flight was available, but it would cut the time with Brian, because he was going to have to leave sooner then he thought, to go somewhere else. So, he mention leaving the boys with Grandma. She was ok with it, but i thought about, but I didn't think it would be fair to them if I left them behind when they were too excited to go. It was a hard decision, but i had to think about them and their feelings. I told Brian what I decided and it ended up hurting hubby. I feel like the scum at the bottom of a pond on a hot summer's day. The last thing I ever wanted to do is hurt anyone I love. It's bad enough i have to upset kids here and now 1 hurt love of my life 2,000 mile away. Now, he is sick as a dog and all I want to do is take care of him. Why Me?????

What is Up with Kids Today?

There is a question to ponder. I often think about the what has gotten into some of these kids anymore. All they ever seem to do anymore is disrespect either their parents or other people around them. My husband and I have always taught my boys to respect each other and others around them. We have taught them to call an adult Mr. or Mrs. and the persons first name. We have always been commented by others about how polite they are. We have also taught them when we are out with any other adults that they are to speak only when spoken to. So, that they do not interrupt a conversation that the adults are having. They are to say "excuse me", when they have a bodily function, whether it is passing gas or belching. They are also to ask "May I be excused'' when leaving the table. Whether it is to go to the bathroom or when they are done. Please is required when asking for something and Thank You is required when receiving anything from anyone. When we got out to dinner, I notice some of the kids in the restaurant acting up, yelling, and whining when they don't get there way. I often think to myself " my father would have kicked my ass if I acted that way in public". Is it just me or has this world gone to pot?

Right now, I am facing a dilemma with Munchkin. Since his father has left for a couple of months, has been acting out in ways that he has never done before. Foul language, temper and anger issues, and disrespect to others. I think he is trying to adjust to the changes in and with his body. I also think he is acting out because my husband is not home. Either he thinks just because dad's not home he is going to try to get away with anything he can or he is missing him and doesn't want to talk to me about it. Who knows. All I know it that I am at the end of my rope and I hope things will resolve themselves when dad gets home.

My Boys

IT has been over 2 years since I've posted. Life has throwen me a few curve balls.

From example, about a year ago my oldest discovered that he was turning into a teenager. Body hair, pimples, and a few other things. He has to shave his upper lip once a week. That is why Munchkin bought him an electric shaver for Xmas last year. He is also growing at a fast rate. I'm 5'2'' and he is now taller than I am. Soon I will need to stand on a footstool to get after him. 13 years old in a size 16 jean and a size 8 mens shoe. His brother is getting closer to my older son's height. He is getting ready to turn 12 years old soon. He ,too is discovering hair in places that wasn't there before. They both eat like horses. Soon they will need to get jobs to help pay the grocery bills. At times they get 2nds or 3rds sometimes at dinner sometimes. It all depends on what I made for dinner that night. I am afraid to take them to an all you can eat dinner buffet. They might eat everything there, if we let them. I love them both very much, but they are as hard headed and stubborn as their father. If they start acting like Dad, they will be shipped off to Military School, even if I have to work three jobs to pay for it. LOL But, I love them and only want the best for them.

What Is Up with Me?

Here lately I have been a bit on depressed side. Is it because I'm still feeling like crap on toast? Is it because my husband is gone and going to bed alone each and every night? Or is it because this Thursday will be my 32nd birthday?

My opinion, all of the above.

I still have a cough that won't go away and I am going to make another Doctor's appointment tomorrow. My body aches from the coughing. I hate to go back, but I need to take of this so that I can care for my kids

I am now starting to miss my husband more and more each day. At around dinner time, I expect him or to wake up next to him in the morning. I am taking his pillows at night and wrapping my arms around them so that I can go to sleep or just to make it feel like he's in the bed with me. Yes, I'll admit it. Sometimes it is nice when he goes away for 2 weeks or 1 month, but these 6 month deployments are enough to drive a saint crazy. I don't mind taking care of the lawn. It proves to him I am capable of doing more than the norm, when you compound it with taking the trash to the dump, burning the trash, and my usual duties here at home, I get much rest anymore. My only day of rest is Saturday, but the boys are up early and I have to get up with them to make sure they're not getting into trouble. I think after he gets back, I'm going to wait 2 weeks, get a hotel room and have a day of me time... LOL Likes that's ever going to happen. Well, I can dream can't I.

And finally, this thing with my birthday. yippee!!!!!! Most people are fond of them, but it's really never been a big deal to me. I guess because I haven't had a real birthday party in a long time. At times it would be nice to have one, but I would hate to clean-up after one. I think it also has to with the fact that one of my Uncle's was buried on the 14th birthday. That tends to put a damper on things. You think?

Well, it's getting late and i have to be up early tomorrow. PPPHHHHHTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

Sick of Being Sick

You ever felt so bad that you never thought you'd ever get better? That's how I've been feeling. On May 4th, I went to the doctor's about my sinuses and a nagging cough. She gave me a prescription for antibiotics and something else. I just finished them yesterday and I still have a bit of a cough. The worst thing about it, I smell like antibiotics. No matter howing showers I take, no matter what lotion I use on my skin, I smell it all over me. Plus, I am sweating worse than ever because of them. I can go outside for 5 minutes and I am in dire need of another shower. What is up with my body?

Anyway, Sunday was Mother's Day. Thrusday, I recevied a package from my Husband. He sent me a Vermont Teddy bear for my Mother's Day present. All I could do was cry. It made me miss him even more.


Well, I am feeling light headed. I'd better go.

Night

Happy Today..

With all that is going on in the world today, I fear for my children and others more and more each day. Friday, I took my oldest to the eye doctor for a check-up and get new glasses. I called to tell my mom( who was at my house waiting for my other son to get home) that I was on my way home. She got silent and told me something that scared the living daylights out of me. There are two schools next to their's and someone called in a threat to the middle school. So, all three of the schools were locked down for several hours. I am a way not surprised, but I was terrified. I couldn't panic with my oldest in the car. As soon as got home, I found out that everything was ok. When Munchkin got home, I gave him a very big hug. He had the look of fear is his eyes. I told him no one will ever love him and his brother more than me. They went to Grandma's for the night and after that he seemed to be doing well.

Today, I got the best phone call today. My husband finally called me. It was like something was lifted off my shoulders. I did cry with relief because I worried about him so much. He sounded well and happy to to hear from me. We didn't get to talk long, but it was great to hear his voice. I did manage to get somethings done in the yard, but the entire time I had a smile on my face. Now, it's just time for me to rest. I am stilling not feeling well and I am tiring easily here lately. Darn sinuses!!!!!!!!!

Waiting...

My husband finally left for Iraq almost a week ago. Now all I can do is wait to hear from him. That is the most fustrating part right now. I check my e-mail three times a day, listen for the phone to ring in the middle of the night, and wait. I feel as I am a death row inmate waiting for the Governors last minute reprieve. I pace around the house while the boys are at school, so that they don't see how nervous I am. It is not the fact that he's gone, but where he went to. I would have been fine if he had gone to Spain or Germany, but to a place that has become Hell-on-Earth. That's what is worrying me the most. I fear that I will either get the knock on the door late one night telling me he has been killed or finding out he is in a hospital bed alone with me near him.


All I can do is wait......

Lost without a Compass

My husband is getting ready to go to Iraq. What am I suppose to feel. Sad? Scared? Worried? One or all of the above? I don't know yet. I am still having mix feelings about it all. I know he will be on a base, but there is still that danger waiting in the shadows, just wanting to show it's ugly face to reveal itself. I have nightmares everynight about what might happen. I barely sleep and I barely eat now. Afraid of what might!

His family was here visiting for a short while to see us and things were fine til everyone except his mom left. She and I get along, but she doesn't know where he is going. She thinks he is going to Germany to keep her calm for my sanity, but everyone else knows the truth. The entire time she was here I wanted to tell her the truth, but I couldn't. I promise my husband and I will never brake, but what if something happens to him? I will be doing some serious explaining to do. Even our children don't know. So they won't slip up and tell Grandma. Lies, everytime I lie I hear a naggy voice in my head shouting " LIER!!!!" I put on my headphones, turn up the volume on my cd player to drown it out, but it never goes away.

I hope and pray he comes home safe, so I don't have to reveal the truth in the worst way.

When Do I get to have a life?

I try to do everything I am suppose to do here at home, but it seems like I never get any free time lately.

I have have had to deal misbehaving kids and one of them missed a camping trip because he wouldn't listen to his teacher at all and stole some of friends snack at school. Sometimes I see this as a sign telling I'm not allowed to seek out my own freetime. I spend a good part of my day doing laundry, dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and the boys bathroom. By the time I can get on my Xbox to play it is almost time for them to come home. I get on after they complete their homework and my husband comes home and complains that he wants to get on it. I explain to him why I didn't get on at all and he says,"still, Why didn't you get on earlier?" Hello!!!!! The last time I let the chores go to hell he freakin' lost his mind. When is my break from life???



NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

Why me????

Sometimes I seem like a prude when it comes to my childrens' behavior, but some of the things they are learning are disgusting.

It all started with my oldest, when he learned from a friend at school how to flip his eyelids. He was 7 or 8 at the time. He came home and while he was doing homework, he called me in the kitchen,"Mommy want to see me do a trick." Next thing you know he had them flipped in know time. Ewww... Now it is my youngest turn to show me something he learned from a friend at school. When he got home yesterday, he throw his bookbag down and said, "Mom guess what Cory taught me." He proceded to to make farting sounds with his armpit. All I could do is shake my head. When my husband got home, I told he to ask Munchkin about his new trick. All he could do was laugh, shake his head, and say"That's my boy." Tonight, he actually taught himself how to make those noises with the back of his knees. Now he's a walking, talking instrument.

WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Crazy Week.....

This week has been a little on the crazy side. Monday and Tuesday I had to go out and try to find some jeans for the boys. Forget that. Knucklehead wears a slim size in jeans and they are next to impossible to find. Munchkin wears regular sizes, but even those are sometimes limited. Yesterday was the nuttiest of all. I took my dog in for her routine examination. Well, ever since she had surguries on both ears she hates going. Anyway, we got into the exam room and she started to go nuts. Scratching at the door, scratching at the doorknob, and anxious to get out of the room. The tech was very gentle with her to take her and get blood drawn. All of a sudden I heard a "whack". I couldn't figure out what it was. The girl brought her back and told Lizzie was so jumpy and in a rush, the dog ran into the door head first. You would think dogs were the smartest animals. Not mine. I got her home gave her her medicine and she nothing else to do with me at all. But when daddy got home she was all over him trying to get away from me. Makes me feel loved...

Now That School is in.......

....... I have gotten to a point where I am enjoying the peace and quiet. No more "Mom, he hit me" or " Mom, he took my game". Now I am able to get housework done in a timely manner and enjoy one of my two interests, reading. Over the summer i didn't get to enjoy reading with too many things going on at once. By the time the boys and my husband were in bed, I was too tired to read.

It seems silly to be all excited about reading a book, but it takes me far from my problems and I always enjoy learning things even as an adult. Today, I am waiting for my new shipment of books to come in and it feels like Xmas. I am expecting 2 books that have been on backorder for 4 months now. Yes, silly me, but everyone has an interest they like to enjoy and can't wait to jump in to it.

Idiot Drivers with Small Children

I am not going to say that everyone is perfect. I know I am not, but I'm getting tired of seeing some parents speeding down a road, swerving in and out of traffic with small kids either in the frontseat or in the back of the car. Don't some of these parents realize what kind of danger they are exposing their kids to. For example: I live out in NC were there are 2 lane roads, alot of curves, and deep enough ditches to flip a car on it's side or roof. I was on my way to the store and some"idiot" decided I was going to slow at a sharp curve ( i was going the speed limit) and went around me. As I watch this numbskull, he had a kid in front with around the age of 5 or 6. All I could think was " i hope there isn't a car coming the other way". Thankfully there wasn't. All of a sudden he hits his brakes at the stop sign. I began to shake my head and wonder what kind of moroan puts their child's life at risk.

I am not saying this to offend anyone, but there are some people that just don't use that melon two feet for their a@!.

Love the kids, but.......

It's the second day that school has been closed and it's only the first full week of school. I know I enjoy the times with our children, but I've had almost 2 months of summer with the boys and it's time for them to learn. I know we are getting a lot of rain from T.S.Ernesto, but I have had barely any time to breathe, let alone get any housework done with them home. I know, I'm whining, but that's my life....LOL Sad isn't it?